Heaven
by The Omniscient Bookseller
Summary: Snitch ponders the questions of life, of death, and of love. Contains slash and newsie death. Written for Thumbsucker Snitch. *ooh! look! a second chapter! Who knew?*
1.

Not mine.

For Thumbsucker Snitch:

Happy birthday! Just for you, I've put your favorite character through hell with no inspiration starting at 9 at night! Let's hope it turns out well!

*snort*

Hey, I tried….

~*~

I love your hands. 

Do you remember around two in the afternoon today, when Nora came to see us? Came to see you. You had one arm around her waist, and you were playing with her hair. I never really noticed your fingers before. Strange, I thought I knew every little detail of your body, your mind, your soul, even. 

I remember how your fingers looked, toying with the shining black strands.

My hair looks like that. 

It would have looked the same, if your fingers had been in my hair.

It's funny, isn't it, the way I watch you. You would think I couldn't stand to see the boy I love with his girl. But I can't look away. No matter how much it hurts me, I can't look away. Like a passerby who sees the aftermath of an accident and goes to look, even though they know what they see will haunt them. If I watch you, then I can replay the images on the backs of my eyelids at night, except replacing her with me. 

Aren't fantasies wonderful?

Fantasies and dreams. That's all I have. My imagination has to supply what should be memories, I tell myself. Why not? Why couldn't you have loved me? Because I am your friend. Because I am a boy. 

The love of a friend is wonderful, say the dime novels. If you can't have any other kind of love, the love of a friend must tide you over. You could never survive without that.

It's a lie. Sometimes I wish I wasn't your friend, no more than I'm friends with those others whose names and faces I know and nothing else. It wouldn't be so bad, such torture if we weren't friends. If I just watched you from afar. I could live with that. I could live my life like that.

My Da always said that everything was all right in Heaven. He said there was no pain, no worries, no problems. Heaven is where you are happy. It's where you rest after life. Where you rest for evermore.

Is it true, Da? Did everything you wished for come to pass? Are you freed from all of life's burdens?

I don't quite understand why everyone makes such a big deal about living. If Heaven is all it's cracked up to be, why not kill everyone as soon as they're born, so they don't have to endure the hardship of life at all? They could just go straight up there, where they would have eternal peace. Why do we care so much about our short lives, if they're not going to matter in the long run? Why not just die now?

Am I going to Heaven?

Isn't my life a sin? Isn't my entire life of cheating and lying and stealing? Isn't my life of loving you? Why, though? Why is loving you a sin? You're the most perfect, beautiful, wonderful boy on this earth. I couldn't stand not to love you, as much as it hurts. As much as it's killing me inside. Just like it will kill me in reality.

It's a hot night. You're probably tossing and turning in your bunk right now. I hope you don't wake up and notice I'm not there. Sleep well. Sleep well.

There's a slight breeze off the water, so dark and unearthly as it is tonight. It's wonderful, just standing here, knowing what I have done and what I will do and being at peace with it all. 

My dive is perfect, soundless, not disturbing the night. I wish fleetingly that you could have seen. You used to love to swim with me, remember? We were going to go swimming tomorrow. I hope you enjoy it. 

The water is as cool and calming as it promised to be. I sink towards the bottom, letting myself relax into it. It gets deeper, and colder, but I'm not scared. I am going to Heaven. I am going to where all my dreams will come true.

__

I can't feel the water any longer. I'm not cold anymore, instead everything is warm around me, but dark still. Everything is perfect and wonderful and tranquil. 

A light is growing now, all around me. Slowly, the warm glow fills…everywhere, anywhere, wherever I am.

"Da?"

"Yes, Sean. It's me." Why do you sound so sad, Da? I'm here now. I'll be with you forever.

The light and the warmth are starting to fade away now, and so is your voice. I feel so detached. So alone. Is this Heaven? Please, I want to go back. I want to go back to you, back to life. Please, I didn't think it would be like this!

"I'm sorry, Sean…" I can't hear you anymore, Da. Da, come back! Please! Don't leave me like this, fading slowly away from everything. 

It's all so dim now. Nothing seems to matter. All the cares of life, like you said. All of everything is disappearing. Just one more second, please, let me stay!

Please…

……I thought you would love me in Heaven……

~*~

Wow…that turned out really bizarre and different than I thought it would.

Sorry about it not being the typical birthday fic. I just have a problem with happy stories…


	2. 

Author's note: Word is being terribly evil, so I apologize for the indents and lack there of. *sigh*

Author's note the second: This is SO not the real ending to this story. It really ended with the first chapter, with some lovely underappreciated angst. But I felt guilty about ruining so many people's mornings (or afternoons, or evenings…) so I wrote this sort of alternate-ending to pacify you all. It actually turned out kind of vague and uplifting. Yeah. Shutting up.

~*~

I am beginning to fade out of oblivion, slowly, so slowly. How long has it been? Hours? Centuries? I do not know. I see you, frightened, confused, in your last moments of awareness.

"Snitch? Is that you?" You sound astonished even as your voice grows softer. Is this Heaven, then? Being brought back only to welcome a loved one?

Suddenly filled with purpose, I grasp your hands in mine. I won't let you go! I won't let you fade away! I hold you fast, but I can only keep you here, not keep you conscious, awake. I call your name again and again, pleading with some unseen power to let you stay for one more moment. 

"Snitch?" Our roles are reversed now, your voice is somewhere above me. I reach towards it- towards you- straining to escape. And then the golden darkness disappears behind me.

* * *

"Snitch! Wake up!" Your form glows in the dim morning light that precedes the sun. I realize that I'm half sitting up in bed, hands clamped over yours as if my life depended on it. 

"Are you alright?" You're whispering, so as not to wake the others. Hesitantly, you extract your hands from my grip and place them comfortingly on my shoulders. I lean forward into your embrace, never wanting to let go. I can't believe it was a dream.

"You were dead," I whisper into your shirt, "we both were. I don't want to die, not ever!" And I don't want you to let me go. I want to stay here for eternity. I feel so safe, so protected when you hold me. I know it's probably awkward for you, and it should be for me, but I don't care. Not right now. 

There is a long dark scar over the back of your neck, and I have to contain the urge to run my fingers along it. I have to stop myself from playing with your hair, from pulling away and kissing you straight out. 

Maybe they were right, I think, as you finally pull away and look down at me in concern. Maybe those dime novels had it right, after all. Maybe the love of a friend does mean something. It means a lot to you. It means so much to me.

You get up and climb back to your bunk, pausing once in mid-stride. You look back at me, expression indiscernible. You absently finger the scar on your neck as you scrutinize me for a long moment. That must be a new scary, I realize sleepily. Very new. I wonder how you got it…

"You're soaking wet, Snitch." With that last comment, you turn and recede into a shadow once more, the predawn light casting an otherworldly glow on your figure. 

My angel. 

~*~

*sighs at the complete destruction of her beautiful angst*

Oh, well.

So was the ending too confusing? Please tell me! *Evil!Race comes and pokes you full of holes with his knife until you proceed in the line (oh…right…line…*snort*) until you proceed into the vast uninhabited area that is the review button*

…Why do my author's notes always end up bizarre and tangent-y?


End file.
